Melodramatic Emo Crap: Vibrating at Too High a Frequency
I use a sonicare toothbrush and recently, it’s started vibrating too high and too fast. One of the mechanisms that keeps the vibrators in place has broken and as a result, it’s nearly out of control and uncomfortable.
That’s kind of how I feel right now. In the midst of dealing with my ankle, a stressful time at work, the stress of finding a decent place to live in the city, getting ready to move, not enough sleep, tension headaches from jaw clenching and a few other matters, I feel about at the end of my rope. I feel hard and I feel sad and I feel tired. Nothing is working the way I want it to right now, least of all me.
And the problem really is… We build up this idealized image of ourselves. Calm, competent, graceful, able to handle what the world throws at us. And for me, when that image doesn’t match up to reality, it’s somehow my fault for not being this fantasy of a person. For having negative emotions, reacting poorly to stress, for not being skinny enough, not being able to wear heels or go running or whatever. And you know, this isn’t hard. I mean, it is, finding an apartment is part kiss a lot of frogs, part beauty pageant and more expensive than it has any right to be, but it’s not bad enough that I should be as fragile as I am. I’m working, I have free time, I enjoy my life overall, I’m just having a rough time while we go through this. On Monday, I thought I was doing great. Last night, I lost it.
I’ve been going on this journey of self-discovery and self-improvement for years and yet somehow it still feels like I’ve just scratched the surface. And I don’t know what’s back there. I’ve got all of this pain and sadness and anger in me and I can’t articulate it or resolve it. Every time I let it out, I work through it and I think I’ve gotten better and yet when it comes again, it’s exactly the same.
I need to find a better way of being. I need to find a better way of reacting to stress and anger that’s not just internalizing it until I explode. I need to find a way to react to criticism that’s not outrage and injury. I need to think a few more steps ahead than I usually do. It’s just hard. It’s trying to go from one end of a jungle to the other, with no paths and angry monkeys to throw rocks at you. I just don’t know how to get there yet.
Anyway, I’ll get back to talking about canning or cooking soon. I’ve got two strawberry posts in the hopper, I just need to take some photos and find some time. HA.
