The Blind Assassin

Margaret Atwood is brilliant. As usual.

Haiku Tunnel

In an effort to prove that I don't just rag on the mainstream...

I'm about to do the unthinkable. I'm about to rip on an independent film. I know, I know. You can flog me later.

First, for Mr. Kornbluth, the narrator, lead actor and writer of this piece, I have two notes.
1) Untuck the shirt.
2) Cut your hair.
Yes, yes, I know, you'll look a little more messy and casual with the shirt untucked. Perhaps you're afraid it will call attention to your paunch. But tucking it in is only making it worse. Terribly, terribly worse. Terrifyingly worse, perhaps.

Sp, Josh Kornbluth, played by Josh Korbluth, in a movie written by Josh Kornbluth and co-directed by Josh Kornbluth. I know our lifes are our best sources of material, but perhaps you could remove yourself a little? Just a smidgeon?

Now, where was I? Oh right, the plot. Yes. Josh lives in San Francisco and he's a temp attempting to be a novelist. He goes to work for for a tax lawyer, goes permanent on the first day even though he fails to mail out 17 very important letters. 17 very important letters. You will hear that phrase far too many times in the movie. He doesn't mail the letters. And doesn't. And doesn't. And thinks about it... and then he doesn't. Throughout this narratives there are some cute vignettes, and whenever the film backs off from current action to Josh doing a monologue in a garage somewhere, it's actually interesting.

But as I watched this movie, I had two reactions... Or, to be more precise, I yelled two different things in the screen, "Just mail the damn letters!" and "You didn't have a better story to tell?" Maybe it's because I saw Josh when he did Love and Taxes when he was in DC in March (that is, in fact, why I rented the movie), and the story there, while not Shakespeare, was much more compelling.

This movie had some great moments in it, but it's bogged down in boring moments.

Intolerable Cruelty

This movie attempts to be one of those old 1940's, witty banter, man and woman meant for each other, the fatalest of all femme fatales movies.

It's not.

It's extremely stylized, and so, inaccessible. And kinda boring, to be completely honest. To plagiarize from another critic, this movie stars George Clooney's teeth! George Clooney has nice teeth. OK, we get it, move on.

Catherine Zeta-Jones is a money grubbing wife. George Clooney is the husband's divorce attorney. Sparks fly. They exchange banter. They scheme. They are successful in some schemes, but their love starts to shine through.

Awww... so sweet... but it's not.

This movie is cute. But it's not fantastic. It's not cinema. It's just cute. Maybe a touch saccharine. I just don't want to write about it anymore.

28 Days Later

I rented this and I'm glad. This is one of those scary movies that has me either a) just not looking, I'm not looking, b) talking to the screen (WHY are you going into the abandoned building alone?!) or c) screaming (EW! EW! EW! AAAAH!)

So, right. It's scary.

This is a newer version of The Stand, but much, much better. Minus the Jesus and forces of good and evil and epic battles and all that philosophical crap that Steven King sometimes gets bogged down in. Replace all that crap with evil, killing "infected" (read, zombies) and some sex. Mmmm. Sex. Right, where was I?

Evil animal rights activists free lab monkeys that evil scientists infected with an evil rage virus that is extremely infectious and turns every host into a KILLING MACHINE. That walks funny and has funny eyes. **coughbraineatingzombies** Everyone's EVIL. Get it? EVIL!

So, Our Hero wakes up in a hospital 28 Days Later (get it?), after the infection has hit. There are some gorgeous shots of him just wandering through a deserted London, looking forlorn. Our evil deathmonger villains are still running around, and a couple of kind hearted, uninfected people save Our Hero from certain icky death. They meet up with a father and daughter and head out towards their Grand Salvation.

You have 5 people. You have evil deathmonger angry villains all around. You know you're going to lose at least two by the end of the movie. So the deaths don't come so much as a tragedy, but as expected. The shock that their Grand Salvation doesn't save them is not a shock. What happens next is, but that's the last half hour of the movie.

Renting this movie is good because of the Fast Forward Factor. Our Hero goes into a room, alone. There are long shots of him looking around the room. Creepy music plays. Hit fast forward, and the 5 minutes of him looking around before the evil deathmongering villains attack them is reduced to 30 seconds. I hate those 5 minutes. This movie has at least four instances of those. But then, it also has Our Hero running around without a shirt on in the rain. HOT.

There's also the alternate ending. I don't like seeing alternate endings, because usually means, "we couldn't decide between a happy and a sad ending, so here's both. You pick." and that's not a valid choice. You CHOSE one ending. Stick with it. These stupid what ifs piss me off. And I'm glad they went with the ending they did, because the what if ending was on the wrong note.

This movie was extremely predictable, occasionally annoying, but scary as hell and worth the watch. Put it on your Netflix!